In Lieu of Reporting the Times Just Asking Their Freelancers What They've Been Up To Lately

John Bowe, freelance journalist for the New York Times, can't find love. Or rather, he can but he's very picky and his last girlfriend lived on a remote island in the western Pacific. She had two kids, which she shared custody of with their father, so she couldn't leave. Of course, John likes his big city life too much to consider settling down on an island with only 4 television channels, and it takes 2 days of travel to get there from New York.

So what does he do? He writes a true-life book about how other people fall in love and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. And what does the Times do? Review the book? No, they do a Home & Garden piece on his tidy studio and the pieces of Javanese folk art that adorn the walls.

"On the surface, there is little to suggest that Mr. Bowe, who came to New York from Minneapolis in his early 20s 'to become a famous musician or filmmaker' isn't the last great catch," Times staff writer Julie Scelfo confusingly states. Then she notes that John has a large collection of amateur paintings of flowers and can also feed himself. John also co-wrote "Basquiat" and does not believe in slavery.

Now pushing 46, John says, "I will be the happiest person on this planet when I have kids." His friends note that he has intimacy issues, but John is pretty sure they are just jealous because they wanted to be artists like him. Will anybody set this guy up? Of course, menopausal women John's own age need not apply.