Drug Makers Find New Target for Anti-Depressants

“Mickey lies. Dreams don’t come true,” says 4-year-old Kiran in a lengthy article in the Times about preschoolers with depression. “He wasn’t running around, bouncing about, battling to get to the top of the slide like other kids,” his indulgent mother notes. The makers of Zoloft, Prozac and Cymbalta are licking their lips over the untapped market. There is already talk of marketing psychotrophic medications in Happy Meals and a cartoon series called "Dora the Depressed Explorer."

Vishnu Smotes Chatty Herder With Shoddily-Made Electronic Device

In Kota, India, the body of a 23-year-old man with a wounded right ear was found beside an exploded cell phone. Nobody witnessed the incident, but the writing on the wall is clear enough. He was obviously neglecting the sacred cows and Vishnu smote him through a knock-off phone made in China. End of story. No reason to fear that these devices could kill you, especially if you live in America.

Russian Man Dies of Needless Leisure Activity

During the World Sauna Championship, a Russian man died and a Finish finalist was hospitalized. Vladimir Ladyzhensky collapsed after spending six minutes in a 230º Fahrenheit room. He suffered severe burns on his skin. Organizers say that all participants are required to get a doctor's authorization before they enter wooden boxes heated to the temperature at which you cook a turkey. After the two were taken away by ambulance, another competitor is reported have muttered half to himself, "pussies."

The World Sauna Championship is a yearly event that arose, undoubtedly, over a bet between two drunken Nordic men. Purportedly, in order to determine who is more manly, the Finish government is working on technology to deliver shirtless, burly blond men to the surface of the sun to see who can last the longest.