Dubious Health-Related Links

• Blah blah blah... woman talk more... blah blah blah... are happier

• Man eats/shits over $300,000 for $225

• Be famous and travel the world, after you die

How to Destroy a Nation by ExxonMobil

"All the money is now gone," Chief Matipe said of the $120,000 he received for a piece of land to be developed for the exportation of natural gas from Papau New Guinea. "But I'm very happy about the company, ExxonMobil. Before I had nothing. But because of the money, I was able to buy pigs and get married again." Chief Matipe was able to use the pigs as a dowry to secure a 15-year-old bride to add to the 10 other wives he already has. In celebration he purchased 30 cases of beer for $800. So in addition to Guns, Germs, and Steel, they are now using overpriced beer to conquer the indigenous population.

Baker Illequipped for life of Affluence and Full-Time Alcoholism Dies Without Shit-Eating Grin and Muffin-Headed Wife

Keith Gough, 58, of Bridgnorth, England was a popular baker who only drank wine with meals until he won 9 million Euros in the lottery. He bought the prerequisite luxury automobiles, horses and homes, then went on the familiar path of drinking out of boredom. He died of a heart attack brought on by excessive drinking and stress, and no doubt paranoia after being swindled out of 700,00 Euros by financial hucksters. He separated from his wife of 27 years just 2 years after winning the lottery. The father of two left behind an estate of 780,000 Euros. In the end, he longed for his old life when he simply had to watch yeast rise all day, telling reporters last year, "When I see someone going in to a newsagent, I advise them not to buy a lottery ticket."

Parisians Destroy Paris to Avoid Working 2 years Longer if System Survives

The Americans barely offered an argument when their retirement age went from 65 to 67. The Germans merely shrugged when theirs went to 67, but naturally the French threw a shit fit when President Sarkozy proposed extending France's retirement age from 60 to 62. With a dimishing number of young people entering the workforce and people living longer, counties can no longer support their workers at a decent retirement age, which has millions of French people asking the question: is it worth it to live longer if you have to work to the grave? The untold cost of the stike, may eventually exceed the savings of a retirement age extension, but perhaps more is at stake. Is this just a stepping stone to the inevitable 70-year-old retirement age? And when stem cell research cures us of our diseases, can we expect to work until our 100th birthdays. What happened to the promises of the 1950s? Where's the shorter work week and the increased leisure time? Weren't robots supposed to be doing most of the labor by now? Where did all the excesss go? Oh yeah, I remember now.

Who Had the Most to Gain From the BP Oil Spill?

Halliburton's stock reached a 2-year high last week and third quarter net income rose to $544 million from $262 million a year earlier. Their North American profits were bolstered by an increase in on-shore oil drilling. Halliberton is one of the largest providers of pressure pumping in North America, a technique used in on-shore drilling. Since the April 20 explosion and ensuing leak in a off-shore BP oil well in the gulf of Mexico, companies have been seeking alternatives to off-shore drilling. Coincidentally enough, Halliburton happened to provide cementing services on the well that BP was drilling, which later exploded to become one of the worst ecological disasters of all time. Rule of thumb: whenever something bad happens, it won't be long before Halliburton's profits rise. So as soon as the bombs start going off put in a buy order for their stock, particularly if you are a woman and have hopes of retirement.

Sociological Links of Little Import

• US Hispanics live 8 years longer than whites or blacks, or maybe they just go home to their native countries to die.


• Retired people suffer more memory loss, or perhaps people with memory loss are just more likely to retire.


• French mothers have the best deal in the world as long as they stay skinny and feed their chauvinist husbands who are probably cheating on them.

Sexiest Woman Alive Nice to Servers and Toilet Cleaners, Though Not Flight Attendants or Pilots

While interviewing Derek Jeter's girlfriend and winner of arbitrary hot woman award, Esquire magazine noted that Minka Kelly does not just thank waiters, she pauses if she is talking, looks up at them and smiles and says, "Thank you."

When the reporter pointed out this heroic feat of looking while talking to her underlings, she responded, "My boyfriend noticed that about me, too. He's the same way. It's actually unfortunate, in a way, that you would notice that. It blows my mind that anyone could be unkind to anyone. The guy clearing our plates is a person. I don't care if you're sweeping the floor. I don't care if you're cleaning my toilet."

Just don't be a flight attendant or pilot asking her to take her dog off her lap during take-off for safety reasons.

Genocidal, Slave-Trading Fame Monger Celebrated by Self-Entitled, Nepotistic Homophobes

Smoking/Polygamy Improves Life Expectancy of Chimps/Africans

Charlie, the famous smoking chimpanzee, died at the ripe old age of 52, which is 10 years longer than the average chimpanzee life expectancy. Charlie first began smoking when zoo visitors threw him lit cigarettes. Not to be outdone, a Russian chimp was recently sent to rehap for pestering visitors for alcohol and cigarettes.

In unrelated news, a Kenyan man in his 90s died, leaving behind over 100 wives. He was nicknamed "Danger" for his charismatic ways with the ladies. Danger Akuku had nearly 160 children and 30 ex-wives. There was no mention of whether the courts ever ordered him to pay alimony or just let him off with applause and a round high-fives.

Brooklyn as the Origin of All Trend Pieces

First it was a gag on a kids' TV show. Then it was a Facebook page. Soon someone started a website. But when a mother in Brooklyn throws a party with spaghetti tacos, it becomes a trend that the New York Times must report on.

Neanderthals More Evolved Than Modern Day Eskimos and Staten Island Healthcare Workers

Evidence has been unearthed indicating a compassionate side to the closest subspecies to the modern human. The Neanderthals, who shared a common ancestor with homo sapiens before they went extinct some 40,000 years ago, were previously thought to be more combative and apelike than modern man. Newly discovered fossils indicate that Neanderthal children with congenital brain abnormalities were taken care of by the pack, which is more than can be said for the abuses that took place in the 1980s at the infamous Willowbrook State School in Staten Island. A Neanderthal with a withered arm, deformed feet and blindness in one eye was cared for for as long as 20 years with no evidence of abuse. Skeletons also show that the sick and elderly were supported rather than set a drift on rafts like elderly Eskimos in the 20th century.

"Compassion in Homo erectus 1.8 million years ago began to be regulated as an emotion integrated with rational thought," the researchers said. "In modern humans starting 120,000 years ago, compassion was extended to strangers, animals, objects and abstract concepts." Then religion was born and everything went downhill from there.

Reclusive Closet Alcoholics Now Safer Than Social Drinkers in 4 States

Tennessee, Arizona, Virginia and Georgia all recently passed laws allowing permit holders to carry loaded guns into bars. Gunholders are not permitted to consume any alcohol while armed to the teeth. They are just supposed brandish their firearms to the intimidation of would-be assailants.

"The police aren't going to protect you," Tennessee Representative and NRA bedfellow Todd Curry told reporters of the Times. "They’re going to be checking out the crime scene after you and your family’s been shot or injured or assaulted or raped.”

The law has paved the way for Wild West-like showdowns as each man is left to defend his own chicken chipotle sandwich at Chili's. One Virginia man has already shot himself in the leg while defending his beer from himself. It won't be long before bartenders and waitstaff don bullet proof vests. The law does permit restaurant owners to post "No Guns Allowed" signs at the door, but they fear backlash from gun-toting patrons. Also, as one proud gun permit holder said, “The guy that’s going to do the bad thing? He’s not worried about the law at all. The 'No Guns’ sign just says to him, ‘Hey, buddy, smooth sailing.’”

Morbid and Depressing Links

• Dear Guatamala, sorry we gave you syphilus in 1946.


• A greener way to go to the grave.


• New temporary crash pad for humanity located.


• Busty illiterate woman from New Jersey gets book deal.