Woman Re-enacts Horror Movie Scene, Mysteriously Lives

A woman in Colarado spotted a vampire on a dirt road late Sunday night. Naturally, she threw her SUV in reverse to get away and, of course, hit a tree. Contrary to every horror movie script that was ever filmed, she did not get mauled and the presumably full vampire just let her go. The police report did not mention whether she had been watching the new season of True Blood, which aired Sunday at 9 pm.

Spelling Confirms Existence of Afterlife/Fawcett Still Chatty

Tori Spelling claims to have spoken with Farrah Fawcett through the medium of John Edwards. Rather than provide an answer to the biggest question of all time about what happens when we die, Fawcett gave "call-outs" to her family. Spelling would have been reluctant to believe it "if it had been some psychic that [she'd] walked in off the street for five buck," but since she paid top dollar to a "world renowned" swindler, it must be true. We await Fawcett's next communication from beyond the grave where she will let Spelling know what sort clothes are in fashion in the afterlife and if her 1970s Charlie's Angels' hairstyle will be popular again once we all die.

Murderer Wants Money from Mourners

Police Officer Michael Carey is suing the estate of Sean Bell for back injuries that occurred when Bell crashed into his squad car, just before he shot three bullets at the unarmed man. No word yet on whether he wants his bullets back as well and maybe a cleaning for his gun. If this works, the legal community will likely encourage members of the Third Reich to sue Holocaust victims for throwing their backs out while digging mass graves.